In any relationship, trust is the foundation that holds everything together. Lying, however, has the power to shatter that trust, causing irreparable damage to the bond built between individuals. As someone who has been willing to overlook many things in relationships, I have come to realize that a pattern of lying is where I draw the line, as it undermines the core values of honesty and authenticity. In this article, we will explore the damaging effects of lying in relationships, why people resort to deception, five signs to recognize someone who uses lying to control, and five steps to break free and overcome the trapped feeling in a deceptive relationship.
The Damage Lies Cause in Relationships:
1. Eroding Trust: Lies chip away at the trust between individuals, leaving one feeling uncertain, doubtful, and constantly questioning the honesty of their partner. Trust is the cornerstone of a healthy relationship, and without it, the foundation crumbles.
2. Breeding Insecurity: Being lied to repeatedly can leave one feeling insecure about themselves, their partner, and the overall stability of the relationship. Doubts and insecurities can lead to ongoing unhappiness and anxiety.
3. Communication Breakdown: Lying hinders effective communication by distorting or concealing important information. Open and honest communication is vital in resolving conflicts and fostering emotional intimacy.
4. Emotional Betrayal: When a partner lies, it often feels like a betrayal of emotions and vulnerabilities shared. This betrayal can lead to emotional distancing and hinder the growth of a deep emotional connection.
5. Loss of Self-Worth: Discovering a pattern of lies can deeply affect one's self-esteem and sense of self-worth. Constantly being deceived can make a person question their intuition, judgment, and value within the relationship.
Why People Resort to Lying:
Understanding the motivations behind lying can shed light on the reasons people resort to deception in relationships.This in no way justifies it, but is to help you understand the why and know that it isn’t because of you. Some common factors include:
1. Fear of Consequences: Lying may be seen as a way to avoid negative repercussions, whether it be punishment, judgment, or conflict.
2. Desire for Control: Some individuals may use lying as a tool to manipulate or control their partner and the dynamics of the relationship. This is where you may see future faking as a means to manipulate one by making promises that will never come to fruition.
3. Insecurity: People may lie due to their own insecurities and fear that the truth may lead to rejection or abandonment.
4. Habitual Behavior: For some, lying becomes a deeply ingrained habit developed over time to protect themselves or cover up past lies.
5. Need for Validation: Lying may stem from a need to be seen in a certain light or to maintain a certain image to satisfy their ego or gain approval.
Recognizing the Signs of Deceptive Behavior:
1. Inconsistencies: Frequent inconsistencies in their stories, facts, or explanations can be a red flag that someone may be lying.
2. Defensive Behavior: People who lie often exhibit defensive behavior, becoming overly defensive or aggressive when questioned about their actions or statements. You may see stonewalling as a tactic here.
3. Avoidance: Constant avoidance of direct questions or changing the subject can indicate an attempt to divert attention from the truth. This can even include love bombing or humor to distract you.
4. Lack of Eye Contact or Nervousness: When someone lies, they may avoid eye contact or display signs of nervousness, such as fidgeting, sweating, or stammering. (Note that this can also be a trauma response from the victim.)
5. Gut Feeling: Trust your intuition that God gave you. If something feels off or doesn't align with what you know to be true, it is important to pay attention to those gut feelings.
Breaking Free and Overcoming a Deceptive Relationship:
1. Acknowledge the Problem: Recognize and accept that you are in a deceptive relationship and that it is detrimental to your emotional, spiritual, and physical well-being.
2. Establish Boundaries: Set clear boundaries for honesty and communicate them to your partner. Let them know that lying is not acceptable in the relationship. Remember, boundaries are only as good as their consequences. Otherwise, they leave you frustrated and being controlled.
3. Seek Support: Reach out to trusted friends, family, or even a trauma informed coach for support and guidance during this challenging time.
4. Have Open and Honest Conversations: Encourage open dialogue with your partner, expressing how their lies have affected you and the reasons behind your decision to break free from the relationship. This doesn’t always result in changed behavior or repentance. Hence the importance of the boundaries and consequences.
5. Find Strength through Faith: Cling to the Lord, draw upon your faith, seeking solace, guidance, and healing in scriptures that resonate with your values.
Remember, breaking free from a deceptive relationship is an act of self-care and self-respect. It is also an act of obedience by taking a stand against sin before it entraps us into a vortex of chaos and confusion. It might not be an easy journey, but by recognizing the signs, setting boundaries & consequences, seeking support, and finding strength in your faith, you can regain your emotional, spiritual, and physical well-being. This will then move you towards a healthier, more authentic relationship in the future.
Proverbs 6:16-19
There are six things that the Lord hates, seven that are an abomination to him: haughty eyes, a lying tongue, and hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked plans, feet that make haste to run to evil, a false witness who breathes out lies, and one who sows discord among brothers.
Psalm 101:7
No one who practices deceit shall dwell in my house; no one who utters lies shall continue before my eyes.
2 Timothy 3:1-5
But understand this, that in the last days there will come times of difficulty. For people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, proud, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, heartless, unappeasable, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not loving good, treacherous, reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power. Avoid such people.
Proverbs 19:19
A false witness will not go unpunished, and he who breathes out lies will perish.
Love and blessings!
Connie, BSN, RN, NC-BC, BC-MHC
Board Certified Trauma, Mental Health, and Narcissistic Abuse Nurse Coach
Need help? Please email me at connie@overcomersinhim.com or follow the links in my website to set up a free Discovery Call to discuss how you can be an Overcomer in Him!
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