Victim-blaming is one of the most destructive responses a survivor can face. Whether subtle or overt, it places the weight of responsibility on the one who has already suffered, forcing them to question their own reality, choices, and worth. But what many fail to realize is that victim-blaming doesn’t just hurt in the moment—it creates a ripple effect that can lead to a cascade of mistakes, self-doubt, and unnecessary suffering.
When someone is blamed for their abuse, betrayal, or hardship, a desperate need arises within them to redeem themselves from this false blame. They may try to prove they are good, strong, or worthy by making drastic decisions—staying in toxic situations longer than they should, overcompensating in relationships, seeking validation from those who don't have their best interests at heart, or even internalizing the blame so deeply that they sabotage their own healing.
Here are 10 statements that are examples of victim blaming for women in emotionally, verbally, spiritually, or financially abusive relationships:
"You should have seen the red flags." – This implies that the victim is responsible for recognizing and avoiding manipulation, rather than holding the abuser accountable for their actions.
"If it was really that bad, why didn’t you just leave?" – This dismisses the complexities of abuse, such as fear, financial dependence, trauma bonding, and spiritual manipulation.
"Maybe if you had prayed more, he would have changed." – This weaponizes faith to make the victim feel responsible for the abuser’s actions instead of recognizing free will and personal accountability.
"You must have done something to provoke him." – This shifts the blame onto the victim instead of recognizing that abuse is a choice made by the abuser.
"Well, at least he doesn’t hit you." – This minimizes emotional, verbal, spiritual, and financial abuse as if physical violence is the only valid form of harm.
"If you were a better wife/girlfriend, he wouldn’t treat you like that." – This reinforces the false belief that abuse is the victim’s fault rather than the abuser’s responsibility.
"You’re just being too sensitive; it’s not really abuse." – This invalidates the victim’s experiences and gaslights them into doubting their own reality.
"Other women have it worse, so you should be grateful." – This minimizes the victim’s pain and implies that suffering should be compared rather than addressed.
"You’re ruining your family by leaving him." – This pressures the victim to endure abuse for the sake of appearances rather than prioritizing their safety and well-being.
"If you trusted God more, you wouldn’t be struggling so much." – This uses faith as a weapon to silence and shame victims rather than encouraging them to seek God’s truth and freedom.
These statements perpetuate shame, guilt, and self-doubt rather than empowering victims to heal and break free. By doing so, they can then lead to a low self-esteem that sets in motion a repeated pattern of settling and therefore continued broken relationships.
The Cascade Effect: How Blame Leads to More Pain
Instead of feeling supported in their struggle, victims often find themselves carrying an unbearable burden:
Doubt: "Maybe I did cause this. Maybe if I had just been better, stronger, or smarter, this wouldn’t have happened."
Overcorrection: Trying to fix what was never theirs to fix—staying in an abusive relationship longer, trying to "be enough" for toxic people, or making rash decisions to prove they’re not at fault.
Isolation: When they feel misunderstood, they withdraw, feeling unsafe to open up, and suffering in silence.
Bitterness and Burnout: Carrying the blame that belongs to another eventually drains a person emotionally, physically, and spiritually.
A Higher Calling: Leading with Discernment and Humility
As Overcomers in Him, we must rise above careless judgment and instead walk in the discernment and humility Christ calls us to. Scripture warns against passing judgment without understanding:
"Do not judge by appearances, but judge with right judgment.” – John 7:24
We are not called to be careless in our words, assuming we know the whole story when we do not. Instead, we are called to listen, to love, and to support others as they heal.
True wisdom and discernment mean knowing that:
Not every struggle is the result of personal failure.
The enemy wants people to believe they are to blame for their own suffering to keep them trapped.
God calls us to be compassionate, not careless, when walking alongside the brokenhearted.
Compassion Over Judgment: Walking the Christlike Path
If we want to be true Overcomers in Him, we must lead in a way that brings healing, not harm. That means:
✔️ Listening before assuming.
✔️ Supporting without needing to “fix.”
✔️ Encouraging strength without pushing someone to move faster than they’re ready.
✔️ Creating safe spaces where people don’t feel the need to defend or redeem themselves—but instead, feel free to heal.
Christ never blamed the wounded—He lifted them up, defended them, and set them free. Let’s follow His example and be people of discernment and humility, leading others toward healing, not deeper harm. Instead of blaming victims, we should offer compassion, support, and biblical truth that leads to freedom. 💜🙏
What are some ways we can support and uplift survivors instead of blaming them? Let’s share encouragement in the comments
Connie Dunn, BSN, RN, NC-BC, BC-MHC
Board Certified Trauma Informed Nurse Coach
Christian Mental Health Coach (American Academy of Christian Counselors)
Certified Narcissistic Abuse Specialist
Certified Somatic Experiencing, Positive Psychology, & Brainspotting Practitioner
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