WHEN A WOMAN IS ABUSED, STOP ASKING:
There is something we need to talk about.
Women who have been deceived, gaslit, betrayed, and abused are often blamed for the very destruction they did not create.
“She’s not perfect either.”
“How could she not have known?”
“Why did she stay?”
“Why didn’t she leave sooner?”
“She needs to forgive.”
“She needs to pray for him."
“She needs to fast for her marriage.”
“She needs to submit.”
“She needs to repent of her bitterness.”
But what happens when the woman who trusted a man to love her, protect her, cherish her, and provide for her was deceived by the very person she trusted?
What happens when he created an entire narrative of who he was—only to later reveal something entirely different?
What happens when the woman who entered that marriage with a heart full of love, faith, hope, and commitment is slowly beaten down emotionally, physically, spiritually, and financially?
When she is constantly antagonized, neglected, manipulated, lied to, sleep deprived, and left carrying responsibilities that should never have been hers alone?
When her health deteriorates?
When her identity is destroyed?
When her joy disappears?
When her calling is buried beneath survival?
When she can no longer mother her children the way God designed her to because she is barely surviving herself?
And while she is being told to "pray harder," "submit more," and "save her marriage," he continues the very behaviors that are destroying the marriage—perhaps even pursuing pornography, infidelity, or other forms of sexual betrayal while expecting her to carry the weight of his choices.
At some point, we have to stop asking only, "Why didn't she stay?"
And start asking:
"Why did he continue?"
"Why wasn't he held accountable?"
"Why were her cries for help ignored?"
"Why did people protect the reputation of the marriage instead of protecting the woman and children inside it?"
God's Word was never given to enable wickedness.
Biblical submission was never designed to be a weapon used to demand that a woman quietly endure ongoing abuse.
Forgiveness does not mean removing consequences.
Grace does not mean eliminating accountability.
Prayer does not mean pretending evil isn't happening.
And "saving the marriage" should never mean sacrificing a woman's physical, emotional, spiritual, and financial well-being—or the safety of her children—to preserve an image.
We must be very careful when we use Scripture to pressure women into remaining in environments where wickedness is being excused and enabled.
Because when the Church repeatedly tells abused women to endure more, pray harder, submit longer, and stay quieter while refusing to confront the person causing the harm, we should not be surprised when women lose trust.
When women choose singleness rather than risk another destructive relationship, we should ask ourselves why.
When women lose respect for men, we should ask what experiences taught them that trust was unsafe.
When women and children walk away from the Church, we should ask whether they encountered the love and protection of Christ—or whether they encountered people more concerned with preserving a marriage than protecting the people inside it.
And when women stand up for other women, it is not because they hate men.
It is because someone needs to stand up.
Someone needs to say:
"I believe you."
"What happened to you matters."
"You are not responsible for someone else's deception, abuse, or sin."
"You are not required to destroy yourself to prove that you are a godly woman."
"You are worthy of safety."
"You are worthy of truth."
"You are worthy of accountability, justice, and support."
This is not about bashing men.
There are godly men who love deeply, protect faithfully, take responsibility, pursue integrity, honor their wives, and lead through humility—not control.
This is about calling out the behavior of men who refuse to do those things.
It's about accountability.
It's about protecting women and children.
It's about refusing to weaponize Scripture against the vulnerable.
It's about remembering that Jesus never asked us to protect an institution at the expense of the people He died to redeem.
We can love men and still hold them accountable.
We can honor marriage without idolizing it.
We can believe in forgiveness without excusing abuse.
We can believe in reconciliation without demanding it where there is no repentance, safety, or genuine change.
And we can stand beside women who have been broken down and remind them:
You are not crazy.
You are not "too bitter."
You are not the cause of someone else's wickedness.
You are not a failure because you finally reached your limit.
You are not required to carry what God never asked you to carry.
You are a beloved daughter of God.
And it is time we stop asking abused women why they didn't do more to save the marriage...
and start asking why we didn't do more to protect the woman and children.
This is why we stand.
This is why we speak.
This is why we protect.
This is why we refuse to be silent.
Because women and children deserve better.
And because God's heart is always for truth, justice, righteousness, protection, and freedom from oppression.
That is not man-bashing.
That is accountability.
What are you doing to hold abusers accountable?
Are you standing up for the abused or are you kicking them while they're down?
Psalm 82:2-4
“How long will you judge unjustly and show partiality to the wicked? Selah Give justice to the weak and the fatherless; maintain the right of the afflicted and the destitute. Rescue the weak and the needy; deliver them from the hand of the wicked.
God's Word was never meant to be used to enable wickedness while re-abusing their victims
We can love men without excusing abuse.
We can honor marriage without idolizing it.
We can forgive without removing accountability.
Stand up for women.
Protect children.
Confront wickedness.
Refuse to weaponize Scripture.
This isn't man-bashing.
This is accountability.
— Overcomers in Him
If this applies to you and you need professional support to come alongside you in your healing journey, who has also been there, take that first step by reaching out to me to set up a time to discuss what that would look like and begin your BREAKTHROUGH to taking your life back and become the woman God created you to be.
Connie Wunderly, BSN, RN, NC-BC, BC-MHC
Bachelor of Ministry
Board Certified Trauma Informed Nurse Coach
Christian Mental Health Coach (American Academy of Christian Counselors)
Certified Narcissistic Abuse Specialist
Certified Somatic Experiencing, Positive Psychology, & Brainspotting Practitioner
Author
Someone Who Has been There and Overcome
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