🌿 Testing the Spirit in Future Relationships

Scripture tells us in 1 John 4:1,

“Beloved, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God.”

When entering a new relationship, it’s not about judging someone — it’s about protecting your peace, purpose, and calling.

The enemy often disguises control as confidence, charm as connection, and manipulation as “love.”

Before giving someone access to your heart, test the fruit they produce:

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1. Listening & Emotional Presence

Do they listen when you share your heart, or do they redirect the conversation back to themselves?

When you express needs or pain, do they show empathy or defensiveness?

Do they remember details about your life, family, or goals — or forget because they weren’t really listening?

When you’re excited, do they celebrate with you or minimize your joy?

When you’re sad, do they comfort you or make you feel like your emotions are a burden?

2. Servanthood & Humility

Do they serve others quietly, or only when recognition is involved?

Do they see acts of service as love or as chores beneath them?

When they do something nice, do they brag about it or thank God for the opportunity to bless others?

Do they take correction or constructive feedback with humility, or do they become angry or condescending?

Do they pray with you — or do they avoid spiritual leadership unless it puts them in the spotlight?

3. Financial Stewardship

Are they financially responsible — or impulsive and entitled with money?

Do they see money as a tool to bless and provide, or as power and control?

Do they give generously, or are they stingy unless it benefits them?

When financial challenges arise, do they blame others or take accountability?

Are they honest about their debts, habits, or financial past?

4. Respect & Partnership

Do they walk beside you as an equal partner, or in front of you as if they own you?

When making small decisions (like changing the radio station or meal plans), do they ask or just do it without consideration?

Do they respect your time and schedule, or expect you to drop everything for them?

Do they include you in decisions that affect both of you, or do they assume control?

Do they support your calling and purpose, or subtly compete with or discourage you?

5. Boundaries & Emotional Safety

When you set a boundary, do they honor it — or guilt, gaslight, or punish you?

Do they respect your need for rest or solitude, or label you as “cold” or “selfish”?

Do they apologize when wrong, or twist situations to make you feel at fault?

Do they respect your privacy, or invade it through checking your phone, emails, or social media?

When you say “no,” do they respect it, or try to negotiate until you give in?

6. Integrity & Honesty

Do their words match their actions consistently?

Do they exaggerate or lie to look better in front of others?

When they make a mistake, do they take responsibility or deflect blame?

Are they transparent about their past, or evasive when you ask questions?

Do they manipulate with half-truths, spiritual jargon, or charm?

7. Past, Family, and Relationships

Are they curious about your past to understand you better — or threatened and critical of it?

How do they speak about their exes — with grace or with venom?

Do they honor their parents and show kindness to family, or harbor bitterness and entitlement?

Do they treat your children, friends, or family with patience and respect?

Are they emotionally mature enough to handle difficult conversations without exploding or withdrawing?

8. Empathy & Compassion

Do they treat animals and children with tenderness or with irritation and control?

Do they show concern for others’ struggles, or dismiss them as weakness?

When you’re sick, do they care for you or act inconvenienced?

Are they kind to waiters, store clerks, and strangers — or rude when no one is watching?

Do they show fruit of the Spirit — love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control — even under pressure?

9. Self-Control & Addictions

Do they struggle with addictions (alcohol, porn, drugs, gambling, or attention-seeking)?

Do they minimize or justify addictive behavior?

When stressed, do they turn to God — or their idols?

Do they pressure you to compromise your morals or boundaries for their pleasure or comfort?

Are they disciplined with their body, time, and commitments, or easily swayed by impulse?

10. Conflict & Growth

Do they seek reconciliation after disagreements, or punish you with silence?

Do they value peace over being “right”?

Do they grow from mistakes, or repeat the same patterns while expecting forgiveness without change?

When you’re growing spiritually or emotionally, do they cheer you on or feel threatened?

Do they point you closer to Christ — or subtly draw you toward confusion, chaos, and compromise?

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Reflection & Scripture Checkpoints

Matthew 7:16 — “You will know them by their fruits.”

Galatians 5:22–23 — Fruit of the Spirit

2 Timothy 3:1–5 — Warning about people who are lovers of self, proud, and without self-control

Proverbs 4:23 — “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.”

1 Corinthians 13 — Love is patient, kind, humble, and never self-seeking

Journal Prompts

Which of these questions revealed red flags or confirmation of godly fruit?

Have I made excuses for behaviors that do not align with the Spirit of Christ?

What boundaries or standards might I need to reinforce?

How does this person make me feel after time spent with them — peaceful or drained?

Am I walking in discernment or emotional attachment?

Closing Encouragement

Remember, beloved daughter of God — you are not testing a partner to find fault, but to protect your peace and purpose.

Discernment is not judgment; it’s wisdom wrapped in love. God does not call His daughters to fix broken men — He calls them to walk with men who are submitted to Christ.

A person’s fruit will always reveal their root.

The fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22–23) — love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control — cannot be faked for long.

If a partner consistently displays the opposite — anger, control, pride, manipulation, or deceit — those are red flags that reveal a deeper heart issue.

You don’t have to wait until you’re deeply invested to discern truth.

You can test early, pray wisely, and walk confidently in the Spirit.

✨ This is exactly what I teach my clients in my Overcomers in Him Coaching Program.

Together, we identify patterns, learn how to test the fruit, rebuild discernment, and heal the parts of you that once settled for less than God’s best.

You deserve peace, partnership, and purpose — not confusion, chaos, or control.

For those who have been severely abused &/or used, that type of treatment can cause you to settle for less than you deserve going forward, which can result in repeated cycles of unhealthy relationships. I've been there too. I get it. But you don't have to stay there. 🙌🩷

💌 If you’re ready to learn how to test the spirit in future relationships and walk in discernment with confidence, message me today.

Let’s rebuild your discernment and your destiny — as an Overcomer in Him.

If this is you and you need professional support to come alongside you in your healing journey, who has also been there, take that first step by reaching out to me to set up a time to discuss what that would look like and begin your BREAKTHROUGH to taking your life back and become the woman God created you to be. 

Connie Wunderly, BSN, RN, NC-BC, BC-MHC

Board Certified Trauma Informed Nurse Coach

Christian Mental Health Coach (American Academy of Christian Counselors) 

Certified Narcissistic Abuse Specialist

Certified Somatic Experiencing, Positive Psychology, & Brainspotting Practitioner

Someone Who Has been There and Overcome

Need help?  

connie@overcomersinhim.com 

1:1 Coaching/Mentorship 

Self-Paced Online Narcissistic Abuse & Trauma Breakthrough Program