🛡DEFENSIVENESS IN RELATIONSHIPS - A SUBTLE DESTROYER OF CONNECTION ⚔️

overcomerinhim1021
12 hours ago
3 min read

In relationships—whether marriage, friendships, or ministry—defensiveness can feel like self-protection, but in reality, it is one of the most dangerous relational toxins.

Dr. John Gottman calls defensiveness one of the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” in communication, alongside criticism, contempt, and stonewalling. These patterns predict relational breakdown if left unchecked.

For believers, defensiveness is not only relationally destructive—it’s spiritually dangerous. Why? Because defensiveness is ultimately self-centered, focused on protecting pride rather than humbling ourselves before God and others.

Instead of listening, taking responsibility, and seeking truth, defensiveness says:

“I have to justify myself.”

“I can’t be wrong.”

“I need to win.”

But the Word of God calls us to a higher standard:

👉“Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves.” – Philippians 2:3

👉“A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” – Proverbs 15:1

Why Defensiveness Is Unhealthy and Self-Centered

1. It blocks real listening and understanding.

2. It shifts blame instead of accepting responsibility.

3. It elevates self over relationship and truth.

4. It creates a cycle of conflict rather than resolution.

5. It reveals insecurity and fear instead of confidence in Christ.

Defensiveness is often rooted in past wounds, shame, or pride—but as Overcomers in Him, we are called to respond from a place of healing and humility, not from old wounds.

5–10 Ways Overcomers in Him Can Recognize Defensiveness

1. You interrupt to explain yourself before the other person finishes speaking.

2. You feel a rush of urgency to “set the record straight” rather than hear the heart behind the words.

3. You quickly point out what the other person did wrong instead of acknowledging your part.

4. You use phrases like “Yeah, but…” or “That’s not what I meant!” as a default reaction.

5. You notice conversations turn into debates rather than understanding.

6. You feel personally attacked even when constructive feedback is given.

7. Your heart races and body tenses up when criticized.

8. You mentally prepare your defense while the other person is talking.

9. You avoid admitting fault because it feels like weakness.

10. You feel the need to win the conversation.

5–10 Ways to Overcome Defensiveness (With God’s Help)

When dealing with others:

1. Pause before responding—take a deep breath and pray internally.

2. Repeat back what you heard to show you are listening.

3. Ask clarifying questions instead of assuming motives.

4. Stay calm in tone and body language (Proverbs 15:1).

5. Focus on understanding, not winning.

When dealing with yourself:

6. Acknowledge that being wrong is not a reflection of your worth in Christ.

7. Replace pride with humility—remember God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble (James 4:6).

8. Practice confession and repentance regularly (1 John 1:9).

9. Invite the Holy Spirit to reveal areas where fear or insecurity fuel your defensiveness.

10. Choose curiosity over judgment—both toward yourself and others.

Walking in Freedom From Defensiveness

As Overcomers in Him, we are called to love, listen, and lead with humility. When we remove defensiveness, we make space for God to work in our relationships.

Imagine if your conversations were safe, gentle, and healing—how much more could Christ’s love be displayed through you?

👉“Let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger.” – James 1:19

Your Call to Action

If you’ve struggled with defensiveness—whether in marriage, friendships, or ministry—know this: you don’t have to stay stuck.

In my Overcomers in Him Coaching Mentorship, I help believers break free from destructive communication patterns, heal from past wounds, and walk in the confidence and humility that comes from Christ.

We work on practical skills, emotional healing, and Biblical truth so you can communicate in a way that builds relationships instead of breaking them.

📩 Send me a message today to learn how the mentorship can help you overcome defensiveness and walk in freedom and connection—God’s way.

📖💪👊🙏🙌💃🛡⚔️🩷

Connie Wunderly, BSN, RN, NC-BC, BC-MHC

Board Certified Trauma Informed Nurse Coach

Christian Mental Health Coach (American Academy of Christian Counselors)

Certified Narcissistic Abuse Specialist

Certified Somatic Experiencing, Positive Psychology, & Brainspotting Practitioner

Someone Who Has Been There

Need help?

connie@overcomersinhim.com

1:1 Coaching/Mentorship

Self-Paced Online Narcissistic Abuse & Trauma Breakthrough Program